Since most people would never decide to pick up the U.S. Constitution and read it; and since those that would, might not understand the English used, I offer you the U.S. Constitution in simple words. I also deliver side reMarkX where I feel our government doesn’t exactly follow this document as it should and as it was intended. Of course, the constitution will be modified to become more modern and up to date with our current times.

Preamble
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Article I
SECTION 1. The US Government’s law making powers will be divided among a Senate and a House of Representatives.
SECTION 2. The members of the House of Representatives will be elected every other year by the citizens.
You have to be twenty-five years of age to run for the House and must be a US citizen for seven years, and must live in the state you are attempting to represent.
Representatives and direct Taxes will be distributed among the States according to their respective populations. Populations shall be determined by adding to the whole number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons. This is that decade event called the census. The Number of Representatives shall not exceed one for every thirty Thousand, but each State shall have at Least one Representative. If vacancies open in the middle of a term, the “Executive Authority” will appoint someone for the mean time until the next election. Only the House of Representatives can request an impeachment. They also pick their own Speaker [of the House] and other officers.
SECTION 3. The US Senate will have two members from each state. They serve six-year terms, and each member has one vote. After the first election, the members of the Senate will be divided into three groups, and each group will be up for reelection every two years (i.e. group one’s seats up in two years; group two’s seats up in four years; and group three’s seats up in six years). If vacancies open while in session, the “Executive Authority” will appoint someone for the mean time until the next election. You must be thirty years of age to run for Senator, be a citizen of the US for at least nine-years, and must live in the State you are running for the Senator’s position in. The Vice President is the head of the Senate, but has no vote unless the Senate’s vote is even. The Senate shall choose their other Officers, and also a President pro tempore, in the Absence of the Vice President, or when he shall exercise the Office of President of the United States. Only the Senate acts as the court of justice for impeachment cases. Senate members must take an oath to sit on these proceedings. When the President is being tried, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court shall sit in also. Two-thirds vote of the members present needed to impeach an official. The worst penalty that can directly come from impeachment is being removed from office and being unable to hold any other office under the United States. However, the offender can still be liable and subject to Indictment, Trial, Judgment and Punishment, according to Law.
SECTION 4. States will determine the times, places and manner of holding elections for Senators and Representatives. [Congress must assemble and look productive at least once a year. This once a year must be on the first Monday in December, unless on this one day of mandatory work, the Congress decides to change this day to a different day and write it into law.]
SECTION 5. Each house shall be its own judge as to the elections, returns, and qualifications of it members. At least half (that is 50%) must be present to be considered a Quorum able of conducting Legislative business., and business is usually exactly what it is. Each House sets its own rules for its proceedings. They can punish members for disorderly conduct (i.e. sitting in the corner with a dunce cap), and with 2/3 majority vote, expel a member.
Each house shall keep records of their proceedings and publish them from time to time. However, any portion of these proceedings they feel need be to remain in secrecy can be eliminated from the published public record. This last sentence is often used as the scapegoat for Congress to never release any information, because most of the time they either sit in a circle jerk or they try to figure out ingenious ways to fuck us all. Yeas and Nays of each member should also be released to public record at the desire of 1/5 of present members. Don’t press your luck on that 1/5th vote, because they don’t want you to know which elected officials are trying to fuck you with their votes. Plus, while during a session, neither House can adjourn for more than three days.
SECTION 6. Senators and Representatives shall get paid for what they call a job. The treasury shall pay it. Except for treason, a felony, and or a breach of peace, they are free from arrest while arriving to the congress building, while at the congress building, and while returning home from the congress building. Also, they are not be questioned about what they talk about in the congress building. Here is the problem, they have all the rights and are free from prosecution because they are said to represent the whole. I seem to be a little confused on this matter. No Senator or Representative shall be appointed to any other civil office while serving the term they were elected for. And, no person holding any other office under the U.S. may serve as a member of the House of Representatives or the Senate.
SECTION 7. All bills regarding the raising of federal monies shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose ideas as like the manner of any other bill. If both the House of Representatives and the Senate pass a bill it gets brought to the President who has the option of signing it into law or sending it back to the House it originated in with his objections of that bill. That house must record the Presidents objections into the journal, reconsider the bill, and with 2/3 majority vote, the bill gets passed to the other house who must do the same. If both Houses vote 2/3 for the bill, it officially becomes law. All yeas and nays must be recorded along with who voted which way. If the President neglects to sign the bill over a time span of 10 days, the bill becomes law as if he had signed it, with the exception of Sunday not counting toward the day count. Everything that Congress does that requires their vote must be presented to the President for his approval. If not approved, 2/3 majority vote from both Houses is needed to overturn the President’s lack of approval, according to the Rules and Limitations prescribed in the Case of a Bill.
SECTION 8. The Congress shall have Power: To make us pay taxes and fees; to provide the common defense and general welfare of the United States. All taxes and fees should be uniform throughout the United States. To borrow our tax dollars on the credit of the United States and just push our country’s debt farther in the hole. To regulate business between other nations and among the states, even including the Native Americans that we kicked out. To create laws the fuck us when we can’t afford to pay people back and have to file bankruptcy, because they cheat us on the interest. To develop and produce a common currency, and regulate its value, which doesn’t help when the President’s buddies manipulate their accounting books to make the value of our dollar look stronger than it really is. To provide the punishment for those that try to counterfeit money. I guess it is time to unplug the Xerox Machine. To establish a group that makes sure that I get my bills delivered to me on time, and then back to the sender in equally fast time, so that I don’t get reported to the Credit Bureau for not paying my bills. To promote people to think of and invent stuff and then give those people the exclusive right to that stuff including works of literature, like this book. To punish those who commit crimes on the water and against the Universal Law. To declare war, when needed and called for, unlike that of recent wars fought for the egos of the politicians of the late 1990s and early 2000s. Also, to make rules regarding the takeover of land that we don’t necessary need but take anyways because the U.S. has to have its two-cents in everything. To raise and support an armed forces of brave young souls who agree to fight for the country when absolutely called for. Not one innocent youthful life should be sacrificed for the sake of point making. One life lost for the well being of One million saved does not apply if the armed forces are fighting for a cause not in the utilitarianistic nature of the entire U.S. To fuck you any which way they want.
SECTION 9. If you are going to illegally, in today's times, transport immagrants over United States' borders, the Congress won't stop you until the year 1808, but we will charge you a $10.00 per person fee. Hey, we'll let you stand trial, except when the roof is on fire from rebellion, or there is an invasion which hinders public safety, which means you will sit in prison and rot, anyways, until we get around to hearing your case. No law shall be passed after the fact of the crime. Meaning, you can't get in trouble for something done, at the time you did something wrong, if there is no law for that mis-deed. But, when we pass a law to try to get you, it still won't mean anything to you. There will be no state export tax. No preference shall be taken regarding regulations, commerce, and revenue of the ports of one State of those of another. As well, Vessels from one State should not be forced to clear and pay duties in another State upon entering that State. No money shall be drawn from the Treasury except those monies clearly stated within a formed budget agreed upon by Congress. These monies should also be published from time to time, except when spent on hookers, drugs, and other things that you don’t want the public to know you are wasting money on. If you work for the United States, don’t even think of working for another country, accept any money, titles, or other gifts from these countries without consent from Congress. This means that if you cut them (congress) a chunk of what you get, you can get it.
SECTION 10. States are not allowed to make Alliances, sign Treaties, make money, accept any other money besides those minted by the U.S., grant any title of nobility or letters of Marque and Reprisal, pass any bills of attainder or ex post facto laws, and a bunch of other things. States shall not levy duties on imports or exports unless absolutely necessary for executing its inspection laws, and the consent of the Congress is a must to levy such duties. These funds shall be for the use of the U.S. Treasury. No state shall make a contract with another state or foreign country. No state shall engage in war unless invaded or imminent danger exists. No state shall keep troops or war ships in time of peace. (Question: where the hell are they supposed to stay?)

Article II
SECTION 1. The President, elected for a four-year term shall have the executive power. The President will be elected with a Vice-President. Each State shall appoint electors equaling the number of representatives and senators have in congress. The electors however do not necessarily have to be representatives or senators. [The Electors shall meet in their respective States, and vote for two persons. They total the votes for the persons, sign it, and turn it over to the President of the Senate (the current Vice President). The President of the Senate then reads all the votes, and one vote goes to the person with the most votes per State. The President is the person who has the most State votes. If it is a tie, the House of Represententives votes for the President.] The Congress decides when to choose the electors, since our votes don’t mean much of anything, and the day in which they shall cast their votes; which this day shall be the same throughout the United States. Only a natural born Citizen is eligible to be President. A candidate also must be of at least 35 years of age and be a resident of at least fourteen years. If the President is kicked out, dies, quits, or is just unable to fill his duties (this last part is way too subjective), The Vice-President shall take over office. If the Vice-President falls to the same plague, Congress, by law, shall pick who will fill the role in the hierarchy of power. This person will remain President until a new election occurs. The President shall get paid for his duties. Although, his wages should not be increased nor decreased during the duration of his term. And, no other compensation shall be offered from the United States or any individual state while in office. Before officially called the President, he must make the following lie — “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
SECTION 2. The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States. He used to have power over the Militia of the many States, but the Militia nowadays generally doesn’t take too kindly to the Presidents words, and thus has formed in a different direction. He may require the written opinion of the principal officer of each of the executive departments, put these opinions in a hat, pick one at random, and pass it off as if it were his own idea. And, he grant pardons for offenses against the U.S., except in cases of impeachment. With a 2/3 vote and the advice and consent of the Senate, the President may make treaties, appoint Ambassadors, Judges of the Supreme Court, and other Offices of the United States. The President can fill vacancies during the recess of the Senate, which shall expire at the end of their next session.
SECTION 3. He shall from time to time give tell the Congress what the fuck the state of the Union looks like. He can also recommend to them what he would like to see happen. He can convene with both houses, or either of them, air it on TV, and waist two hours of our time, yearly. He can adjourn them for whatever time he feels proper. He shall receive Ambassadors and terrorist contributors. He shall strive to make sure that the laws of the land be faithfully executed.
SECTION 4. The President, VP, and all other civil officers can be impeached on the grounds of treason, bribery, and other high crimes and misdemeanors. For example, lying to the public about the reasons to go to war with Iraq: Impeachable! Using the given definitions against the definer about getting a little head from the intern: NOT Impeachable! Loading up the cabinet with appointees who run some of the most campaign contributing companies, we call that bribery: VERY Impeachable!

Article III
SECTION 1. The Supreme Court has all judicial power. The congress may form inferior federal courts. Federal judges shall hold office through good behavior, retirement, or till death do they part (William Renquist take notice, you are not far off), and they should be compensated for their duties.
SECTION 2. The Federal Court system shall be the judge in all cases regarding the laws of the Constitution and the United States, treaties, Ambassadors, maritime jurisdiction, cases where the U.S. is a party, controversies between States, between one State and citizens of another, between citizens of different States, and between States and foreign States, Citizens, and Subjects. The Supreme Court has original jurisdiction in all cases regarding Ambassadors, public Ministers and Consuls, and cases in which a State is an involved party. In all other cases, The Supreme Court shall have the right to review the decision of the lower court and overrule in need be. All criminal cases, except Impeachment, shall be heard in front of a jury. Trials should be held in states where the crime is committed. When a crime is not committed in a state, Congress shall decide where the trial should take place.
SECTION 3. If you are American and deicide to wage war against the United States, they like to call this little act ‘Treason.’ This also consists of sleeping with the enemy. However, don’t worry, you need two witnesses to testify against you to be convicted of this act. The Congress shall decide the punishment for treason, which should not exceed life in prison

Article IV
SECTION 1. Each State shall be given full faith and credit as to its public acts, records, and judicial proceedings. However, Congress, by general laws, can tell them how things should be done. Amen from freedom!
SECTION 2. Being a citizen of one State entitles you to the privileges and immunities of citizens of the United States. If you commit a crime and flee to another state, you better believe your happy ass will wind up on trial back in the state you ran from. Lesson: If you commit a crime, flee to another country, not another state.
SECTION 3. The formation of new States is welcome into this power hungry, land thirsty nation. However, No State may be formed inside the boundaries of another State, nor may States join to form a single State without the consent of the legislatures of the States concerned as well as the blessing from Congress. This ruins my dream of combining North Dakota with South Dakota, Rhode Island with Delaware, and them making a new State inside the boundaries of California, called Death Valley, where we would relocate Washington D.C. and give it the State status it really deserves some couple of thousand feet below sea level close to the dark side of hell.
SECTION 4. The U.S. guarantees each state a Republican form of Government. This is where everything has gone wrong and we lie stuck in the mess we are in now. They promise to protect the States from invasion and domestic violence (i.e. riots).

Article V
The Congress, with a 2/3 majority vote can PROPOSE Amendments to this Constitution, but it takes 3/4 majority vote to RATIFY this Constitution. You hear that? Propose all day blood-suckers. There is no way that 3/4th of you all will agree on anything unless 3/4th of you are from the same party. Either way, realize that this document when originally written was close to flawless in its efforts to be fair on all levels to all people. I know you all are going to fuck things up anyhow, but think before you make changes to this Constitution.

Article VI
All Debts and Deals accrued and arranged before this Constitution was drafted still stand once the Constitution becomes the official law of the land of these United States. This Constitution is the LAW OF THE LAND. Anything contrary to this document shall not withstand the wrath of the Judicial Branch who is bound to the Constitution and its initial wording and significance. If you represent the Government, you better by oath take pledge to support this Constitution, its value, and its objective meaning. By the way, they can’t use religion as a qualification for an office of the United States.

Article VII
Nine of the original thirteen States needed to ratify the Constitution in order for it to be passed and set in stone as the corner block of the United States of America. Let History show that the minimum States needed agreed on this document and we now sit here today wondering what in the world went wrong.

Bill Of Rights
Amendment I: All citizens of the United States should in no way be regulated against what they believe in, what they say, what they write and/or print, or who they choose to associate and hang out with, so long as it does not infringe on these same rights of other citizens.
Amendment II: For the necessary need to maintain the security of a free state, all citizens should be allowed to own and carry a gun.
Amendment III: If the United States is in a state of peace, no soldier can go to your home and tell you that he is going to crash on the couch, without your consent.
Amendment IV: Stay out of my house, my pockets, my notebooks, and my shit. Let me see the warrant, bitch. It is call unreasonable search and seizure unless you have probable cause.
Amendment V: Don’t ask me questions unless the Grand Jury wants to indict me. Don’t try to try me twice for the same offense. And, don’t try to get me to make myself look guilty. Also, if you take my shit, I better be properly compensated for it. PROPERLY COMPENSATED.
Amendment VI: Let’s get the show on the road. I don’t want to wait for a trial. I want an impartial jury of my peers from the State that I am being tried in. And, I want to know why the fuck I am being tried in the first place. I want to see my accusers. Buy the way, I need someone to defend me.
Amendment VII: In cases where the value of controversy exceeds $20, the right to a trial by jury must be granted. Also, any fact presented to this jury shall not ever be re-examined in any other Court of the United States.
Amendment VIII: No excessive bail may be imposed. Nor shall cruel and unusual punishment be inflicted.
Amendment IX: Not all civil rights have been listed. Some rights of the people are just implied. People just have the right…
Amendment X: If it isn’t mentioned in the United States Constitution, it should not be implied that it is a federal matter, and these unmentionables should reserved to the States or to the people.

Later Amendments
Amendment XI: The courts are biased in the sense that they MUST look out for the best interest of the United States. With that being said, if you want to sue the government, they won't waste their time hearing the case.
Amendment XII: Not much really changed from Article II - Section 1. This is just an excuse to amend something, so that Congress looked busy at the time.
Amendment XIII: Slavery and involuntary servitude shall no longer exist in the United States. Funny how things work and things don’t change, huh?
Amendment XIV: SECTION 1. If you are born in the United States, you are both a U.S. citizen and a citizen of the state you are born in. No laws shall be passed or enforced that limit the privileges or immunities of U.S. citizens. And, we are fucking entitled to our life, liberty, and property. If you are going to try to deprive us of these fundamental rights, bring on that due process of law. SECTION 2. Representatives shall be spread amongst the States according to the population of each State figured by the whole number of persons in each State, excluding the un-taxed Indians, since the U.S. never really gave a shit about them. At this point in this Amendment, it goes on to say that if you are male and over twenty-one years of age, you should have the right to vote in any election. However, as we have learned, this was not always the case as loopholes were often found to deny the less desirable from adding their two-cents into the political arena in the form of a vote, because that would just be too damn easy. SECTION 3. If you are found guilty of treason, you cannot be a public official. However, if you pay Congress enough to get them to vote in a 2/3 majority, this restriction can be removed. SECTION 4. The U.S. debt shall include those debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties to those who have fought to suppress rebellion. However, no debts will be paid to those who have rebelled up against Big Brother. These past-due debts will be considered illegal and void.
Amendment XV: People of all races shall have the right to vote.
Amendment XVI: The Congress has the power to take money from our paychecks without having to share amongst the States and without regard to any census. If you work, you pay tax! Two legs good…Four legs better, for they are the wolves and we are the sheep taking it right in the back side.
Amendment XVII: There shall be two Senators from each state in the U.S. Senate, elected by the people who will serve a six-year term. Each Senator shall have one vote, unless they are named Jesus in which case they get two votes; one vote before they die and one vote after they resurrect. When vacancies in the Senate open up, the executive authority of that State, which now has this open seat shall fill these vacancies temporarily with COMPETANT persons able to make important decisions that ultimately effect the people, who shall then choose have their say at the next election as to whom should really be that State’s Senator.
Amendment XVIII: The manufacture, sale, transportation, importation, and exportation, of alcohol within the United States, for beverage purposes (What, was I going to was my car with a bottle of Jack Daniels?) is hereby prohibited.
Amendment XIX: People of all sexes (i.e. male, female, hermaphrodites, etc.) shall have the right to vote.
Amendment XX: SECTION 1. January 20th, at 12:00 noon spells the end of the current President, and the beginning of a new President. Save us all! This goes the same for Senators and Representatives. Only they change places on January 3rd. SECTION 2. Congress must meet January 3rd of every year at 12:00 noon. This is unfortunately the only mandatory meeting for these elected officials. SECTION 3. Blah, Blah, Blah!!! SECTION 4. I am going to leave this section of the amendment as is. If this makes any sense to you, please contact me to translate this jibberish into understandable matter. I suppose that the writers of this Amendment were exempt from Amendment XVIII. This must be the reason for the next Amendment… The Congress may by law provide for the case of the death of any of the persons from whom the House of Representatives may choose a President whenever the right of choice shall have devolved upon them, and for the case of the death of any of the persons from whom the Senate may choose a Vice President whenever the right of choice shall have devolved upon them.
Amendment XXI: SECTION 1. Disregard the eighteenth amendment of the Constitution. We made a minor error and have since changed it. We apologize for any inconvenience that may have arisen. Let’s drink to that! SECTION 2. You can now manufacture and sell alcohol, but you cannot transport or import it into any other State. This part is still illegal.
Amendment XXII: You can only be President twice. (George, this is eight years if you are lucky and four if we are lucky). If you serve more than two years of a term, this counts as one full term.
Amendment XXIII: State Electors shall be distributed by district, where the most populous districts get more Electors. The same way that States get the number of representatives, but on a micro level.
Amendment XXIV: If you don’t pay your taxes, don’t worry, you can still vote.
Amendment XXV: SECTION 1. If the President can’t do his duties for any reason, the Vice-President takes over. SECTION 2. If the Vice-President can’t do his duties, the President shall nominate a new Vice-President. This nominee needs a majority vote from Congress to actually become the Vice-President. SECTION 3. When the President can’t fulfill his duties, he must inform the Heads of the Senate and House of Representatives in a written declaration of his inability. When he feels he is back at form, he must again, in writing, inform the dick-Heads of the two Houses. While on his inability filled vacation, the Vice President shall act as President. SECTION 4. Whenever the Vice President and a majority of congressional members feel that the President is incompetent (this only works if you have a Congress and a President of different parties), they may declare such feelings and temporarily boot his ass out until he is back to his ways of fucking up the world. Once again, the Vice President, for the mean time, takes the rank of President. However, the plot thickens. Once the President thinks he is ready to take back over, he must in writing express his interest to come back and look productive in office. But…If the Vice President and congress think that the President is still worthless to their now new formed world dominant cause, they can by a 2/3 vote in both houses keep the President out of office. Would he file for unemployment? If, with this vote, they decide to keep the President without his decision making magic wand, the Vice President shall remain as the acting President.
Amendment XXVI: If you are 18 years of age, feel free to vote. Realize however that this right has been given to you, so please do not fuck it up.
Amendment XXVII: No raises shall be granted while in office. If you are lucky to be reelected, at this point you may receive a raise if Congress feels fit. This is for Senators and Representatives.